麻豆传媒

鈥渢he path of least resistance鈥�
Gendered Storytelling Essay: Xan Cordova

By Shelby Bundy

December 1, 2018

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When I first approached Xan about being a collaborator in this project, her reply was, 鈥淵eah! You know me, I love talking about myself.鈥� A first little clue to the humor that is Xan. I first met Xan when we were both working at the University Center at Bears Bistro. We now work together again at the Humane Society. I thought she was weird at first because she has a dry sense of humor that is hard to notice at times. So, it takes a minute to realize she is joking because her tone of voice almost never changes. Xan is in her fourth year at 麻豆传媒, is 21 years old and uses she/her/hers pronouns. She is in a devoted and adorable relationship of two years, and I honestly consider them #relationshipgoals (seriously though, Xan鈥檚 girlfriend brought her soup to work when she was sick). Xan self-identifies as queer but chooses to use gay 鈥榖ecause it鈥檚 easier to explain to people.鈥� According to Renee Hoogland, the term 鈥榪ueer鈥� was reclaimed in the 1980s as a term of 鈥渟elf-identification, in the early twenty-first century queer is primarily used to refer to any form of non-heteronormative gender, sex, and sexuality, as well as in contradistinction to more straightforward categories of sexual identification, such as lesbian, gay, and bisexual.鈥� Before being reclaimed, it was often used as a derogatory label for the LGBTQ+ community. Queer Nation is noted to be one of the first groups to bring the term into the mainstream, with the help of their chant, 鈥榃e鈥檙e here! We鈥檙e Queer! Get used to it!鈥� Agency can be loosely termed to mean a person鈥檚 capacity to interact in their social environment, where they act independently from the social structure. In Xan鈥檚 case, her agency is that of her queer identity and choosing to 鈥榗onform鈥� to the comfort of others as she considers it the 鈥榩ath of least resistance.鈥� It goes to show a lot about a person when they choose to not argue with people over how they want to be seen as in an effort to be liked by all, and this project has shown me just how strong and inspiring of an individual Xan Cordova proves herself to be.

鈥淚鈥檓 from North Glen, Colorado, suburb of Denver I suppose- I guess. I lived there basically my whole life, I never moved- well I guess I did when I was a baby but I don鈥檛 really remember that- I remember mostly just living in my one household for my whole life. I was raised primarily by my grandma, my parents divorced when I was like four, so while my mom was at work she [grandma] would take care of us. So she鈥檚 my primary caregiver. My mom was still there, but she [grandma] spent the most time with us. They [family] were supportive of it [being part of the lgbtq+ community]. I was always like a tom-boy, I never wanted to play with any of the girl toys or like any of that. And they were all pretty supportive, they let me get whatever toys I wanted and like do whatever I wanted. My grandmother had like a gay sister and a gay brother so it鈥檚 not like they weren鈥檛 unsupportive of it or anything like that. My family鈥檚 pretty catholic so I went to catechism when I was growing up, which is you know, like, Catholic classes where you go in and learn about Jesus and shit. So that was fine, I guess.

鈥淚 never really had any attraction to anyone for a really long time so it鈥檚 not like I ever thought I was gay or anything. I just liked to do stuff that boys liked to do. And to like hang out with, pretty much everyone. I didn鈥檛 really have a preference one way or- either. But then in middle school, I was like 鈥業 like guys鈥� and I thought I had crushes on boys but I don鈥檛 think I actually did. I think I just wanted to be their friend. And then in the sixth grade, I was best friends with this girl and she had this sleepover and her friend- who I guess is kinda like her cousin- but her friend, who鈥檚 like a couple years older than us, was there and she was talking about how she was bisexual and I thought I like, had a crush on her and it was like weird. I was like 鈥榦h, okay, like neat.鈥� And then it鈥檚 not my family ever cared but I think I just noticed other people鈥檚 attitudes about stuff like that. Like people in class would be like, 鈥榦h this one girl鈥檚 bisexual- ew that鈥檚 gross鈥� or like, just little things. They weren鈥檛 like outwardly homophobic or anything like that but I think I picked up on stuff like that so it made me kind of uncomfortable. And I think more than anything, I imposed being uncomfortable on myself. It鈥檚 not like my- my- I think my mom was always waiting for me to come out of the closet. Like, always, just like [higher pitched/mocking tone]鈥榮ooo you like any boysss? Any girlsss?鈥� And I鈥檇 be like [deeper, annoyed teen voice] 鈥楳OM! What are you saying to me? Nnneehhh.鈥� So. I guess that made me uncomfortable then but I don鈥檛 know. I guess I was more unsupportive of myself than anyone else. Like, I didn鈥檛- I don't know- I think having a religious upbringing definitely like affected the way I perceived it because even though my family鈥檚 attitudes weren鈥檛 discriminatory, I think the general catholic consensus that 鈥榓ll gays are gonna go to hell鈥� made me a little uncomfy with that. So I was uncomfortable with that and I think waited a while before I said anything. And then in the 8th grade, on National Coming Out Day, I came out to my sister and my friends. Some of them were like, 鈥榦h. I knew all along!鈥� and then some were really surprised, I don鈥檛 know how they could鈥檝e been surprised but they were surprised. And then, my mom- I never actually told my mom- my sister told my mom. I just didn鈥檛 ever wanna talk to her about it cause it makes me uncomfortable to talk about feelings to my mom, she has too many feelings. So that was just too much and I wasn鈥檛 really interested in talking about it. It wasn鈥檛 really like a big deal, I didn鈥檛 want to make it a big deal because I鈥檓 pretty private with my emotions, so I didn鈥檛 wanna share it with other people. I was just like, 鈥楾his is a thing, just leave it alone.鈥� And all my friends were pretty supportive about that. None of them were really ever like 鈥業 can鈥檛 be friends with you cause you鈥檙e gay鈥� because I think the area I grew up in, no one was really rude to people for being gay. Unless you were a guy. Like, if you were a gay guy, I think people were more uncomfortable with it cause guys would be like 鈥榶ou鈥檙e hitting on me.鈥� And they鈥檇 be afraid and kinda douchey about it, but no girls ever really said anything to me about it. They were just like, 鈥榊ou鈥檙e funny, so you can hang out and be friends with us!鈥� I never really dated anyone like that because no one鈥檚 really out in high school, except for a couple people. So you know you鈥檙e like the token gay in a sea of people who think they鈥檙e straight until they go to college. So that was a fun time. And then I started talking to this girl I met on Tumblr, and we were like Tumblr girlfriends for a while. And we鈥檇 like mail each other stuff through the mail, like cute little packages and stuff like that. And she was gonna come and visit me one summer but, I didn鈥檛 really want her to visit me because I felt like I was too scrubby and poor and I didn鈥檛 want her to. So then we ended up stopping talking, but that was like my first, I guess, 鈥榞irlfriend,鈥� if you can call it that. And then I dated a girl in junior year of high school. And I guess that was my first serious relationship. And that was fine but she was kinda shitty so that was a horrible experience. When we first met, she was dating a boy and then ended up coming out as- she knew she was bisexual then, but then she ended up coming out as fully gay- as fully gay as anyone can be. It鈥檚 probably not absolute but- identify more that way once we had started dating. And I didn鈥檛 believe her, she was offended that I didn鈥檛 take her seriously so I was like [high pitched/mocking tone] 鈥榦ops, sorry, didn鈥檛 know.鈥�

鈥淚 guess it鈥檚 affected me throughout my life, I don鈥檛 know, most people have been pretty nice about it so it hasn鈥檛 really been a big deal. I think that鈥檚 something that people notice all the time, so it鈥檚 not really something I ever get the option of hiding from people. Which is unfortunate because it鈥檚 just so very apparent that if you look the way that you do and you fit the part, that that鈥檚 just who you are. So you don鈥檛 get a chance to come out to people, you鈥檙e just always out. So it鈥檚 nice because you don鈥檛 have to explain yourself to people or get hit on by creepy guys, cause they already know. But at the same time, it鈥檚 kinda shitty because you鈥檙e worried that you鈥檙e gonna walk down the street and someone鈥檚 gonna like shoot you or beat you up or you know say some shitty stuff because you鈥檙e so obvious. So that鈥檚 not the greatest thing in the world because that鈥檚 always in the back of my mind. Like when I walk into a room, people already know. Using public restrooms, make me uncomfortable because I鈥檓 afraid people are gonna think that I鈥檓 like trans and that I鈥檓 trying to impose myself. Or that people think that I鈥檓 gonna go molest their kids, so I try to avoid using the bathroom in public because I don鈥檛 want people to think that I鈥檓 trying to hit on them or be creepy. Public locker rooms make me uncomfortable for the same reason cause people are always thinking that you鈥檙e gonna hit on someone just because you鈥檙e attracted to them. Which is absolutely not the case. I avert my gaze at all costs, I鈥檓 like 鈥榩lease don鈥檛 look at me.鈥� I don鈥檛 think it鈥檚 defining of my personality but at the same time, it is cause you can鈥檛 divorce yourself from that part of your identity because it鈥檚 so attached to the culture that we live in. You can鈥檛 really escape it so you kinda just have to embrace it, otherwise, you鈥檙e gonna be screwed over. That part鈥檚 fine. I think now it鈥檚 better. Being in this day and age there鈥檚 more, like, legislation and overall support. But it鈥檚 still a dangerous world. I mean, even in Greeley, like not too long ago, maybe six or seven years ago, that one trans girl was brutally murdered here. That鈥檚 always in the back of my head, like thinking about 鈥榦h boy, I sure hope I don鈥檛 get fucking murdered today!鈥� But also being a girl, that can happen any day too. So it鈥檚 just a double-whammy there.

鈥淚 went to some spectrum meetings a couple times and they were pretty useless. It was mostly like a social circle. I didn鈥檛 really feel like I gained anything from there. And I feel like the Gender Sexuality Resource Center does well to help out people who are probably more beginning, but I don鈥檛 really feel like they do a ton that would really benefit me in one way or another. 麻豆传媒鈥檚 pretty accepting for the most part. I don鈥檛 think anyone there is really outwardly crazy- like, there鈥檚 a lot of conservatives there because of all the farms and stuff around here. But I think overall, it鈥檚 pretty fine here. It鈥檚 just also, in any academic setting, if you鈥檙e the only obviously gay person whenever they鈥檙e talking about stuff like that, they look at you like you鈥檙e gonna be the spokesperson for everyone who鈥檚 gay in the world.

鈥淚 have only really had an attraction to girls but wouldn鈥檛 ever rule out having feelings for a dude because people change so much over a lifetime and people鈥檚 personalities matter more than their sex. I think it鈥檚 highly unlikely that I would ever date a boy but I think it鈥檇 be ignorant of me to assume that that is absolute. Sexuality is much more of a spectrum that changes with time and experience and so I feel queer more encompasses that idea than just saying I鈥檓 gay. But to most people, I would just say gay rather than explain it all to someone who might not agree.鈥�

After I finished typing the transcription, I sent a copy of it to Xan with the joking caption of, 鈥淵ou talk a lot.鈥� Her reply was, 鈥淵ou right tho.鈥� Xan is probably one of my favorite people that I have met since moving here, and I found myself chuckling every ten seconds when listening back to her interview. She is subtly sarcastic and intelligent beyond my comprehension, and I was so glad to have her work with me on this project. I learned more about her than I thought I would, and it provided a new perspective on what the LGBTQ+ community goes through. Xan presents herself as a strong and independent woman, yet I noticed in her interview that she used the word uncomfortable a lot, which surprised me. I never would鈥檝e taken her for someone who gets uncomfortable easily, but then again, her sexual identity is different than mine which leads to vastly different experiences. She manages to push through the discomfort and get through life, with strong support from friends and family at her side, even if she prefers to not discuss her feelings. I found out that we had more in common than I would鈥檝e guessed. We both have divorced parents, who separated from a young age, both find ourselves uneasy discussing our feelings, and we both have a sarcastic sense of humor. When I asked her about why she chooses to make other people comfortable over her own comfort, she said that it鈥檚 because it鈥檚 the path of least resistance. I learned that Xan is a much more resilient individual that I would鈥檝e ever thought. She likes to be liked and 鈥榓greeing or just not arguing with people is a good way to stay in everyone鈥檚 favor.鈥� So she chooses to ease the confusion of others in place of her own identity and if that isn鈥檛 strength and courage, then I don鈥檛 know what qualifies. I also learned about the topic of queer theory. Nadal writes that 鈥淨ueer theory aims not to replicate the same exclusionary identity politics that has characterized the mainstream途 to this end, the boundaries of the term queer are fluid or nonexistent, such that no binary can be formed. As such, queer theorist Annamarie Jagose (1996) stated that 鈥渜ueer is less an identity than a critique of identity.鈥欌�� The term queer is something I had never been familiar with, other than hearing it in a negative way from people that I chose to distance myself from, but I am glad to have learned more about it from someone who I consider a friend. It鈥檚 also led me to a new line of thinking, in that there really is no two-gender binary in our society. Queer is just one example of that since it has no precise definition relating to gender or sexuality and is used more as an umbrella term (TIME). Growing up in our society, we have the ideals of a binary shoved in our faces, with no time to really gauge whether we fit on that track or not. I am glad to live in this time when we, as a society are discovering new terms to fit how people have been since the beginning of time. I have learned as an anthropologist, especially, to always question the knowledge I am fed in my life. This knowledge has led me to see that there is no 鈥榗orrect鈥� gender or sexuality, and I am thankful that I have a supportive group of friends around me that can help lend their own personal knowledge and experiences to further my own cultural and social identity.

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 [1] Hoogland, Ren茅e C. "Queer." In Encyclopedia of Sex and Gender, edited by Fedwa Malti-Douglas, 1235-1236. Vol. 4. Detroit, MI: Macmillan Reference USA, 2007. Gale Virtual Reference Library (accessed November 30, 2018). .
[2] Nadal, Kevin L. The SAGE Encyclopedia of Psychology and Gender. Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Publications, 2017. PDF. Print pages: 1383-1385.
[3] Steinmetz, Katy. "LGBTQ: GLAAD Uses the Q for Queer." Time. October 26, 2016. Accessed December 01, 2018. http://time.com/4544704/why-lgbtq-will-replace-lgbt/.